The Track

So I made Griffy a HUGE train track for Thomas and Percy to play on. He loved it as you can see.

It had a station, a couple of lakes, a race track, houses, and people!


So fun.

Abandoned...

Yes, I am well aware that I abandoned you. Do I feel guilty? Nope. It's been a crazy life. After everything was over I got to thinking- that entire mess that was my life was less than 3 months long. LESS THAN 3 MONTHS. I simply cannot believe it. It felt like forever and yet such a short period. I can't imagine sons or daughters who have to go through that with a parent for years. How exhausting. We were lucky. In more ways than one.

So I do actually have quite a few pics of the kids from this month! It'll take me a few posts to get through them. These are of our trip as a family to Omaha- our mini vacation for the summer. It was cut short because dad was declining so quickly, but we still had a good time.

The zoo was cold and drizzly that day- made for really active animals and very few people! Nice!

Gorilla.
Mira loves having her pic taken on these statues.
This one is actually at the hotel- there's playground equipment inside.
Merry-go-round.

TRAIN! G's heaven.
Silly.
Cheese!
Penguins. The kids (and I) LOVE penguins. So fun to watch!

They match! G's still the king.


More to post later :)

Over.

I know it's been a long time but a lot has been going on. Dad passed away on Sunday, September 19th at about 9 am. Molly got here on Friday, thank goodness. I spent the night in STJ on Thursday night- things were looking pretty poor. I picked her up at the airport on Friday at about 12. We spent the night in STJ for 2 nights also. On Saturday night at about 3 am we got the call that we were at the end. His heart rate was in the 180's, his temp was about 104, and he was starting to moan. We called our grandma and mom and headed out to the nursing home. He ended up holding on for a long long time. I was thankful that my grandma was able to be there. It was really peaceful- he eventually just slowed his breathing and let go.

There were a lot of emotions that flow at that point. We've grieved for him- for several years, but I think the grieving process finally hits the front when the person is actually gone. It makes me so sad for the last 5 years and what he could have had but chose not to. For many reasons I'm very thankful for the cancer. He got to die with dignity and he got to die sober. He got to die with his family by his side supporting him. He was a good man who had a horrible disease called alcoholism and I can be thankful that his alcoholism wasn't what killed him.

His service will be this Saturday at 1 pm in Albany. Molly ended up staying here all week. I pretty much have everything squared away except for his cell phone. Yesterday she and I took the kids to the zoo with one of her high school friends and her kids. It was a great day to see the animals because it was cool and cloudy. A fun time!

It's going to be very strange to suddenly have my life back. To get to clean my house on my day off, to get to pick my kids up from school when I'm not working. It's odd how it really didn't bother me to do things for him though....only when I got home did it bother me. Anyway- that's where we are.

Weekend Update

So I promised an update tonight, and I will try to give one. Today was a much better day. He was much more coherent and for longer periods of time, although he still slept much of the day. He spends his day in his recliner watching TV off and on and sleeping. Some of it is due to his pain pills and some to the cancer. He isn't able to get up on his own at all, although he forgets and will sometimes try- we've put an alarm on him so it will beep when he tries to get up. His legs are fairly strong and it doesn't take much muscle to get him up, but he's just so unsteady. This afternoon we moved him to a private room. It's quite a bit more money that we don't have so mom and grandma are splitting the extra cost. He seemed VERY happy about the move. He now has control over the climate which will be a big deal for all of us! After I got him situated I went to Wal-Mart to get some toys and movies for the kids to keep in there and some sodas and snacks for visitors. He has a lot more room and it will now be possible for me to take the kids with me which is a huge relief.

This morning a new sore opened up under his arm that is draining pus (sorry for those of you with weak stomachs). I believe the melanoma is now completely throughout his body and is slowly (well, not so slowly it seems) taking over. I am just not sure how much time is really remaining.

Our sermon today in church was about forgiveness. Asking for it, giving it, deserving it, etc. In my heart I knew that I had forgiven him for the past. It doesn't really bother me to sit in his room and watch TV with him sleeping all day, or feed him, or advocate for him. I seem to be somehow, over it. The thing was, I had never TOLD him that. As I sat in service trying not to burst into tears I was afraid that maybe my chance had passed. Maybe he wasn't ever going to be awake enough to hear me and understand me. Today, I had that chance. I can't remember what he said to me....something along the lines of me needing to go home probably or something. I just looked at him and said, "I want you to know that I forgive you." I was unsure of what would happen next, but I knew that for me, I needed to say it. He looked at me for several seconds I think maybe in shock. He gave a big sigh and said, "You have no way of knowing how much that means to me. I never meant for it to be the way it was." We talked some more about it, but I was so relieved that he heard me. I believe his heart did hear. He said that is why he just wishes this would last longer- so he had more time. Unfortunately, I just wish for it to happen quickly- this isn't the way I want him to live.

I'll never forget what happened in the last few years, but being able to let go of it is very freeing. I know he has a lot of regret in his heart. Anyone who had lived his life would. There's nothing I can do to ease that burden, it's between him and God. But it is important to me that he know I love him and that regardless, I am his daughter. I wish it hadn't taken this for him to see it.

It's very strange to me that my mother being so involved seems so natural. It's like she just should be there. She doesn't at all seem like his wife, more just someone who manages part of his care, but I suppose it would be weird for her NOT to be there. I can't understand what her life has been like. She swears she has no regrets and I do believe her, but I wonder if she has truly healed from everything. She, like I, may just need to grieve after it's all said and done. She is probably the strongest person emotionally I've met in my life, and sometimes I think I have inherited a lot of that, although today I've been near tears most of the day with the weight of it all.

So far I feel I've been coping well- there's been a lot to do, so I've been busy, but this last week has put significant drain on my family. My kids are missing me like crazy and it nearly had me sobbing when Mira was screaming that she just wanted to be with me tonight. I miss them too, but even when I'm around, I'm not here completely. Exercise has been my sanity for the last 18 months, but the last couple of weeks I've struggled significantly to fit anything in. That, too, is putting a drain on me. Brooks is picking up the slack at home with the laundry and such which is a huge help, but mostly just makes me feel guilty.

Anyway, we will make it through. I am going to go to work tomorrow so that I can escape my life for a few hours. I may be exhausted, but thinking about someone else's problems is always helpful when forgetting your own :) Plus, I do love my job. Blessings to all- thank you for thinking of us.

Big Changes

So yesterday I went to Saint Joe with the expectation of taking my dad to the doctor. When I got there he was laying down in his bed (which isn't normal) with one pant leg pulled up, some cut up socks and tennis shoes that didn't fit on and a grey shirt. There was trash, food and his broken razor on the floor(which cost 180 bucks 2 months ago...). I was a little bit in shock. His knee was bright red and scabbed with infection that I wasn't aware of. The first thing he says to me is, "I can't go. I'm too sick." I turned around and walked back out to the nurses station to his nurse and said, "Holy shit. What happened?" She said, "It's been a rough week." So that's how it started.

Yesterday I just basically sat in his room while he slept and occasionally looked over at me and then went back to sleep. I asked him if we could just call and cancel the chemo and he said he didn't want to give up. After being there for about an hour I realized that there was no way in hell we were doing any more treatments, nor would it even be possible. He's not actually able to even stand up on his own let alone walk. He was very confused- couldn't carry on a conversation at all. He kept trying to use the urinal unsuccessfully which was pretty disturbing. I left for awhile to run some errands- look for some appropriate foot wear for him that he wouldn't fall in, and eat lunch with my cousins. While I was gone he fell again- 3rd time this week. I ended up calling the oncologist and discussing a hospice referral with them. They were pretty nice about everything. After I got it all arranged I went back to his room to sit some more and when he woke up I told him, "No more chemo- we're doing hospice." He said, "Ok." I stayed awhile longer and discussed a few things with the nurses and other people at the nursing home, and still fairly disturbed, had to leave to pick up the kids from school.

Today I had to go back to meet with the hospice folk at 1pm. On my way to Joe I got a call from the nurse that she was putting oxygen on him because he wasn't breathing well. This is all happening so fast. I got there and today he was basically unresponsive- he would wake up occasionally and say a few sentences, but not very much of it was even understandable. He mostly just sleeps. His knee is very infected and we did get them to clean it out and wrap it up a bit better. Hopefully the antibiotics will kick in and help out in the next day or two. His doctor was at the nursing home today so we saw him too- obviously he didn't have any fixes, nor were we looking for one. It seems to me that his body is just shutting down. He doesn't eat- he ate about 1/2 a cup of ice cream twice today and drank a little milk and orange juice, but unless you prompt him to do it, he just lays there. The hospice team was helpful and I think they'll make sure he has what he needs. Tomorrow he should get a new bed so he won't fall out of the one he has.

I decided to go ahead and come to Omaha with my family tonight after much deliberation. We are here- only 2 hours away from Joe. The kids will think it's a vacation regardless of how long we are here. We have changed our plans to try out the zoo tomorrow- I really just want to go back tomorrow evening. I know that things probably aren't going to be over tonight or tomorrow, but the last 2 days have been such rapid decline that I imagine the next two will be even more so. I am prepared for him to not be able to communicate or recognize us fairly soon. Tomorrow morning my grandma will sit with him and mom will go in the afternoon. I will probably just stay in Joe at some friends' house for a few days or until things level out- if they will.

So that's what's happening in my life right now. If anyone is reading and would like to see my dad while he is aware- they should go tomorrow.

Life and Such

Well, we have a pretty big week ahead and it's going to be fun!

The kids are at school today- I was supposed to work but got to stay home! YAY for me! I tried out a new exercise class with my favorite trainer and cleaned the bathroom floor- sad to say that's about it.... Today was Mira's first dance class!!! At her school they offer a dance class for the kids that is optional (and costs a bit extra) and we signed her up. I wanted to expose her to dance, but she enjoys gymnastics so much I wasn't ready to pull her out and I also wasn't ready to commit to spending 2 of our weeknights running our 3 1/2 year old to activities. Her teacher emailed a bit ago and said they had fun- I can't wait to hear what Mira says! It looks like there may have only been 3 girls in her class, but I'm sure she likes that. She is in one of the smallest preschool classes at Spectrum and I think it's good for her. She loves one on one attention. She has also made a good friend Mackenzie.

The kids go back to school tomorrow and I take dad to Chemo- maybe. They keep canceling it because his platelets don't get higher. Grrr....We'll see. He's getting more and more confused by the day. He fell again today- the second fall. He hasn't hurt himself, but his nurse said he had his shirt on backwards today and they are probably going to take his slippers away because he had one on and one off which may have contributed to his fall. He doesn't really walk anymore- basically just shuffles. I really need to get a picture of him with the kids pretty soon I think. I'm not sure what the chemo is really for. It's not supposed to help his brain mets and he doesn't seem to have any lung issues. The MRI 2 weeks ago just showed that the cancer was stable but not progressing, but his symptoms ARE progressing so I'm not sure how much it was worth anyway. I am afraid he's going to end up a mean old man. He gets angry when he's confused and he yells at the staff. So far they've been really good about it- they know that's not his general personality, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

Thursday after B gets home from work we are taking the kids to Omaha!! I am super excited. We didn't take a vacation with the kids this year, so this is it! I think they'll have fun. We will go to the zoo and I am really not sure what else. I'm hesitant to swim at the water park because of Mira's ear issues. She has recently started screaming about her OTHER ear (they went swimming in Palmyra, remember?). Argh. We will be staying 2 nights in the hotel.

I started teaching Sunday School last week to kindergarten and 1st graders. It's pretty fun! I feel stupid sometimes because really, I'm not a teacher, but still enjoy it and hopefully the kids do too. I really love our church and it's one way I could get involved.

I think that's all that's happening at the moment! Updates later when we get home from Omaha!

Labor Day Weekend!

So I screwed up my picture alignment, I'm sure you'll survive. Anyway- this Labor Day Weekend, B took the kids back to Palmyra to see his family. I stayed home because I had committed to teach Sunday School for the semester. It was a glorious 2 days for me of rest and relaxation and it seems as though they had a great time! One of B's cousins has a little girl Molly and she and Mira have become such good friends. It's really cute!

The kids with B's Grandma Scott. Look how ORANGE G's hair looks?!

Molly, G, and Mira- Molly and Mira have a BLAST together.

Yes PICU friends, that is an ATV. He's riding it with grandpa, I am SURE they were driving SLOW. Mira modeling the helmet.

Griffin sitting on the ATV and playing trains. He's seriously into his trains right now....

Swimming in the subzero water. Apparently no one would get in with them, but looks as though they had fun...

Molly, Mira and Griffin- trucks in the dirt. Such fun.