Lou

Oh my goodness Lou is the sweetest baby kitty ever. We had discussed getting a cat for awhile, but ultimately I had decided that it would be best to wait until after baby was here and things had settled. Well, in light of last week's events, now was the perfect time.

We found him online at wayside waifs and I knew he was the one, but we went to the shelter and played with several kitties. When it came down to it, Lou cuddled right up to all of us right away and was the best with the kids. We had to wait a few days for him to be neutered, so we had plenty of time to get ready for him.

He has been home 3 days now and he seems settled in. He doesn't run away from the kids and their noise now, will hang out wherever we are, is eating good and using his litter, and fitting in well in general! He starts crying if he can't see or hear us. Today he was playing with his mouse and kept hitting it under a bookcase and crying. Just like a kid!

For now he stays in the laundry room at night and when we are gone with some toys, his bed, and his food and litter. He doesn't love it, but he is so little and I still think sometimes he gets lost upstairs if he doesn't have us to lead him out! We love him!!

Might be hard to read, mentions loss

So, I came home tuesday night after work and decided to listen to the baby. I have always had an at home Doppler with all of the kids. This time I really wasn't listening all that often, maybe a couple of times a week. The baby's heart rate was 180-190 (usually rock solid 160) and more difficult to find than normal, but babies are weird and we had reached the stage of my uterus starting to really expand so I figured the baby was getting better at hiding than previous since there was more space. I worked Wednesday and since I had been a little worried the day before I thought, oh I will just reassure myself real quick before bed. Silence. Now this pregnancy i really haven't worried all that much about anything. I have a lot on my plate, been working a ton, and it's been moving by at a rapid pace. I was a little freaked but decided I'd try again in the morning and I actually slept pretty well. Not wanting to freak brooks out, I waited until he left for work thurs morning and tried again. Nothing. Now this baby has been hard to find at times, but I haven't ever NOT been able to find it after searching for awhile. Silence. At this point I know. I know the baby is gone. Most of me cant buy it. Why this far along? This is so rare. Surely not me. But I know. So I call brooks and let him in on my worry and tell him I will call when I know more.

I called dr Morris knowing she isn't in the office on Thursday's and make them page her. I am supposed to be at work by 10 and I don't hear back so I drop off the boys and head in to work. i dont get very far before the scheduler calls and says to go to the ER. I think it's kinda silly cause surely this isn't really happening, but I figure I should, so I start heading that way. Then she calls back and tells me dr m will meet me at the clinic. Ok, that's more like it. She can't find the baby either. I know. She tells me she can make the imaging people see me today, so she calls and makes an appointment for 115. Nearly 3 hours. All I want to do is throw up. I can't really eat, unusual for me, I know. Brooks tells me he will meet me there.

I go home, watch tv, take a long hot shower and the time passes. The lady puts the ultrasound on and I know. The baby is dead. There is this tiny, perfectly formed baby curled up with its hand by its face and it's......still. I honestly can't believe this is happening at this point. I never thought I would be in this position in my wildest dreams.

Dr Malley the radiologist comes in and says he wants to scan me himself. Now this guy has a generally terrible bedside manner. I really have a love hate relationship with him, but this time he is pretty compassionate and I have grown to trust him. He says he sees that the baby's cerebellum (part of the brain) is barely formed if formed at all. Now, I want you to remember what i do for a living.... I take care of all of the babies who are born with missing parts of their brain. That would destroy me. It would destroy our family. And while I am still devastated, I know there was a reason.

I believe that my God takes care of me in ways I do not understand, nor do I have to understand. He knows better than me. But he also knows what I can handle and what I can't. I can't handle finding out at a 20 week ultrasound that my living perfect baby is missing part of his brain and now I have to decide whether or not to terminate it. I can't handle a still birth. I can't handle birthing a perfect baby and finding out later part of its brain is missing. The baby missing its cerebellum really doesn't explain how the heart just suddenly stopped and the baby passed. But i have comfort knowing that my God was protecting me and taking care of me in the way I needed him to.

Friday I had a d&c to end the pregnancy. Honestly the hardest part was waiting for it to be over. Carrying a dead baby is really awful. To still feel your uterus in your abdomen filled up with baby and know it is still is not ok. After the procedure I really feel relief. I am sad. This pregnancy was exactly what we both wanted at exactly the time we wanted it. Perfect. But not his plan for us.

I have told brooks a few times in the last few years that unfelt like a ticking time bomb. We have good jobs, a good marriage, three perfect kids who are healthy and smart, we have wonderful families, I mean really, with all that what could possibly be better? But sometimes it felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know what I am supposed to learn from this.i know I certainly appreciate my life and my family all the more today, but I do know that this whole situation sucks beyond belief way more than I could have dreamed. I have set some goals for the fall. I need to study for my trainer certificate, spend more quality time with the kiddos and really embrace fall. I plan to run a 1/2 marathon in October, and I need to tone back up cause I have a $140 pair of jeans waiting for me! Haha. Maybe God has another baby for us, maybe not. I suppose it's not for me to know right now. But for now, I've got it pretty good. I'm surrounded by some pretty awesome friends and family. We are oh so blessed.