Weekend Update

So I promised an update tonight, and I will try to give one. Today was a much better day. He was much more coherent and for longer periods of time, although he still slept much of the day. He spends his day in his recliner watching TV off and on and sleeping. Some of it is due to his pain pills and some to the cancer. He isn't able to get up on his own at all, although he forgets and will sometimes try- we've put an alarm on him so it will beep when he tries to get up. His legs are fairly strong and it doesn't take much muscle to get him up, but he's just so unsteady. This afternoon we moved him to a private room. It's quite a bit more money that we don't have so mom and grandma are splitting the extra cost. He seemed VERY happy about the move. He now has control over the climate which will be a big deal for all of us! After I got him situated I went to Wal-Mart to get some toys and movies for the kids to keep in there and some sodas and snacks for visitors. He has a lot more room and it will now be possible for me to take the kids with me which is a huge relief.

This morning a new sore opened up under his arm that is draining pus (sorry for those of you with weak stomachs). I believe the melanoma is now completely throughout his body and is slowly (well, not so slowly it seems) taking over. I am just not sure how much time is really remaining.

Our sermon today in church was about forgiveness. Asking for it, giving it, deserving it, etc. In my heart I knew that I had forgiven him for the past. It doesn't really bother me to sit in his room and watch TV with him sleeping all day, or feed him, or advocate for him. I seem to be somehow, over it. The thing was, I had never TOLD him that. As I sat in service trying not to burst into tears I was afraid that maybe my chance had passed. Maybe he wasn't ever going to be awake enough to hear me and understand me. Today, I had that chance. I can't remember what he said to me....something along the lines of me needing to go home probably or something. I just looked at him and said, "I want you to know that I forgive you." I was unsure of what would happen next, but I knew that for me, I needed to say it. He looked at me for several seconds I think maybe in shock. He gave a big sigh and said, "You have no way of knowing how much that means to me. I never meant for it to be the way it was." We talked some more about it, but I was so relieved that he heard me. I believe his heart did hear. He said that is why he just wishes this would last longer- so he had more time. Unfortunately, I just wish for it to happen quickly- this isn't the way I want him to live.

I'll never forget what happened in the last few years, but being able to let go of it is very freeing. I know he has a lot of regret in his heart. Anyone who had lived his life would. There's nothing I can do to ease that burden, it's between him and God. But it is important to me that he know I love him and that regardless, I am his daughter. I wish it hadn't taken this for him to see it.

It's very strange to me that my mother being so involved seems so natural. It's like she just should be there. She doesn't at all seem like his wife, more just someone who manages part of his care, but I suppose it would be weird for her NOT to be there. I can't understand what her life has been like. She swears she has no regrets and I do believe her, but I wonder if she has truly healed from everything. She, like I, may just need to grieve after it's all said and done. She is probably the strongest person emotionally I've met in my life, and sometimes I think I have inherited a lot of that, although today I've been near tears most of the day with the weight of it all.

So far I feel I've been coping well- there's been a lot to do, so I've been busy, but this last week has put significant drain on my family. My kids are missing me like crazy and it nearly had me sobbing when Mira was screaming that she just wanted to be with me tonight. I miss them too, but even when I'm around, I'm not here completely. Exercise has been my sanity for the last 18 months, but the last couple of weeks I've struggled significantly to fit anything in. That, too, is putting a drain on me. Brooks is picking up the slack at home with the laundry and such which is a huge help, but mostly just makes me feel guilty.

Anyway, we will make it through. I am going to go to work tomorrow so that I can escape my life for a few hours. I may be exhausted, but thinking about someone else's problems is always helpful when forgetting your own :) Plus, I do love my job. Blessings to all- thank you for thinking of us.