9ish weeks.

I know some people have thought my reactions the past few months have been, well, off.  When people find out you are pregnant you get all of the comments, "OH! How exciting!" "This is wonderful!" "YAY" and I've been known to respond with a, "yeah....." Most people don't really know what to say to that.  As the pregnancy progresses you get a lot of, "Are you ready? Are you excited?!" I know my responses are never what people are looking for or expect.  I feel like perhaps some people are thinking this was a mistake for us, or that we don't deserve another, or that we are disappointed about the baby, or whatever.  So here's a little insight into my head.

Let's start with the fact that neither of us is overly excitable outwardly really about anything. My  mom reminds me about this frequently- she hates it.  We're just not overly emotional people.  Do we want this baby? Are you kidding? YES! We tried for this one for a month, got pregnant, lost it 3 months later, and then tried for another 7 months. Yes, we want it. I want it with every fiber of my being.  I maybe want this one the MOST.  Why? Because in my head I can feel every tender moment that's coming, every part of having a new baby that I love and can't wait for. I can smell the new baby smell, I can feel the baby in my arms and the amazing feeling that it's MINE and I made it, nurtured it, and brought it to life.  I can imagine sitting in the dark rocking and singing to my sweet little bundle, smothering it with kisses and love.  I can picture introducing its siblings to it and the extreme joy and excitement on their faces.

And I'm terrified that somehow it won't happen. I look upon birth day with terror. What if something happens....and I do know all of those somethings that could. What if things aren't as we think they are? Yes, I know all of those things that could be not as they seem too.  And so I guard my heart.  It's just who I am. I'm terrified. I'm always terrified, but as above, maybe more this time. I know every little thing that I could loose.

For us, this baby will complete our family. It will turn our family into the family I have always dreamed of having- making it exactly as I wanted since I was a child. I can't wait to move from this stage of life into watching them grow and mature into people. It's so exciting!  But, maybe a little to perfect? It's not that I think I don't deserve it, but as I walk with friends through loss of children, I can't help but think, why am I so lucky?  I am blessed beyond what I could ever imagine, and yet some other people have so much loss and pain.  So maybe all of this is abnormal- everyone I work with knows we are all a little (or a lot) screwed up from what we see, but it is what it is.  Outside of work, there has been a lot of loss for friends in my personal life as well.  It's coming from all sides.

So if you ask me about the baby and I don't maybe react the way you think I should, it isn't because I'm not truly excited. You can't possibly imagine how much I can't wait for this baby.