She is wearing me out...

I love my daughter more than anything on this planet. When I look at here there is more joy in my heart than I ever thought possible, but right now she is nearly too much for me. I never really thought I would have a difficult child. I am strict on disciplining her and very consistent. She is testing me to the very edge of my limits. She is a smart child- I say that not to brag, but because it's oh so true. Sometimes I wish she weren't quite so smart. She understands VERY well when she is not supposed to be doing something. At this point in her life she has decided that it doesn't matter to her if she knows something is wrong- she'll do it anyway if that's what she feels like doing.

In the past when we didn't want her to do something we just removed that something from her world so we didn't have to deal with it. This is why we do not have an end table or lamp in our living area. If we reintroduced it at a later date she seemed over it and it wasn't an issue. Well now she has started climbing on the chairs and using them as a crutch to get to things she wants whether it be getting on top of the table, turning on the radio, or getting something off the counter. Well obviously this is an issue because I really don't want to explain to a physician that I work with every day how I was too tired and pregnant to teach my child not to climb on the chairs and table and now she has a brain bleed because she fell off on the wood floor. Today it is now 10 am and she has been in time out over 4 times. She will go to the chair, look to see if I'm coming, and then start climbing. Most of the time I catch her just when she's starting to touch the chair. When I begin to walk towards her she starts running away- obviously because she knows not to do it. So I get her, tell her no, we do not climb on the chair, take her into the living room and set her down. She then proceeds to run back into the dining area and start all over. This is exhausting. So- I started timeouts. I put her in the corner for one minute (because she's one), she sits there and looks at me, sometimes crying, after a minute I pick her up and again tell her, "we do not climb on the chairs," take her into the living room, set her down, and it all starts again. Tell me- what exactly am I doing wrong here?? The past few days I have just turned the chairs on their sides so she can't climb on them, but that's really not teaching her anything, is it? It's only saving my sanity when I really would rather teach her right from wrong.

It is not possible to take her places any longer. I tried to take her to Target yesterday for 10 minutes. She screams at the top of her lungs "ISHTHA" at everything we walk past and points or grabs. You would think that means "What's that" but it doesn't...it means "I WANT THAT." So when I don't give it to her, she starts screaming. She will NOT sit with her legs through the front of the cart---this has been for several months, so she sits sideways in the top of the cart. The only possible ways of keeping her still (ie from not crawling out of the cart and falling on her head) are 1) giving her cheerios (which for many of you who know me, I hate giving my child food for behavior or rewards....obviously) or 2) letting her play in my purse which works for a few minutes until she starts throwing all the contents out of the cart (and it's not really that easy for me to bend down and pick them all up). Therefore- this is not enjoyable. I can put her in the bottom of the cart which would be harder for her to crawl out of, but she wants to stand up then. I really wouldn't care, but it's not so safe. Just like our struggles with the bathtub, this takes endless repetition- "Mira, SIT DOWN," grabbing her arm and making her do it (because if you don't MAKE her do it then she's not going to). Then she screams- which is also pleasant for me and the other shoppers. I always said I would NOT be one of those people who stays in a store with a screaming child. Therefore you can see my dilemma- I guess we can no longer go to the store at this point in our lives. In another month it wouldn't matter anyway because it will be impossible, but I'd like to be able to finish a few things up right now without having to get a babysitter.

We cannot go out to eat. She'll eat the food sometimes now, but she will only sit in the highchair for about 10 minutes, so as that time approaches my anxiety goes through the roof at wanting the waitress to hurry the hell up because we have such a limited time. I took her to the zoo with some friends the other day and was totally embarrassed. She would sit in her stroller for awhile, but only if she had cheerios in her tray. If I got her out to look at something she would throw a screaming fit when I put her back in. If I let her walk she would climb on every fence or bench when everyone else was walking away. She is totally uninterested in the animals unless they are scurrying about frantically. Everyone else's kid is looking around pointing and playing, sitting in their strollers or walking/running ahead. Great. My kid's the bad one.

All of this makes me want to just sit and cry. Why, right now, is she being so difficult?? It's just not a good time for me. I realize this is the point- I'm sure she senses that things are going to change and she's acting out. I also have this theory that the terrible twos are here though she's barely one. She's pretty advanced in many ways (again, not to brag, I'd much rather have her delayed at this point). I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through this period. I feel awful for just wanting to get away from her most days when I'm home with her. I just really don't know how to channel her energy in a good way. I finally had to just put her in her crib this morning and shut the door. I really don't want to use her crib as punishment for her, but she likes it in there and I needed a break. She's currently talking to herself and playing. I need help.