Halloween a LONG time ago

So Facebook has also taken away my need to blog. Sad, I know. It is true I don't take as many pictures as I used to. I have been feeling like I don't really do anything with the kids that often. Don't go to playgroups, don't go to the zoo, etc. Not sure why really, we just don't. Maybe I'm lazy. Who knows. I'm going to try and start again.  Anyway, I found these Halloween shots on the camera today.  Sully was Sully from Monsters Inc. He was A-dorable. I couldn't get enough of him. In the weeks leading up to Halloween we couldn't get him to wear it for even 5 seconds. He would scream when we came near him with it. All of a sudden that day he was totally fine! And I was glad because omg, so cute. 

 Mira was a rainbow fairy and G was Spiderman.

 This is a pic from B's Xmas party last night. It's our yearly excuse to get dressed up and go to a formal party.  Always a good time.

To Covet??

So back a few months ago I was riding my bike with my friend Sue and we were talking about how she didn't have Facebook.  She said she used to have it, but was finding that FB was making her feel inadequate. Like her life wasn't as good as what other people had, like she should have been doing things she wasn't doing, and for her, it just wasn't worth it.  So I won't lie, FB makes me covet. It makes me wish I had things that other people have, and makes being thankful for my own blessings second in line. I've known this for awhile, and for about 6-12 months I have been known to say, "Man, I wish I could get rid of facebook."

The loss of the baby definitely brought it to a head.  I am not kidding when I say that at least three times a week someone new is pregnant on my facebook feed. I AM happy for them. I AM. Everyone deserves to have healthy happy children and have the joys that I have with my three.....but it reminds me CONSTANTLY of our loss. But that's not the kicker. At least as often someone is COMPLAINING about their pregnancy. They feel sick, or they feel tired, or they are craving gross food, or they are uncomfortable, or the baby doesn't let them sleep. What they fail to remember, because of our natural human nature to be self absorbed, is that their babies are ALIVE, and not everyone is so lucky.  And every day when I read these complaints I want to throw things. I am immediately in a bad mood, sad, feel like crying, angry......and what I have found is that it's not worth it.  I don't need to see it.  I am not someone who enjoys pregnancy. It's a means to an end for me and I have been where these people are, experienced the uncomfortable and not so fun parts of pregnancy.....I know how it feels. Like it will never be over, like it's the worst thing on earth, so I can't really be angry at them, can I? I just don't need to see it. Not right now.

Most of the time I feel good. I am in shape, I am a good weight where I feel proud of the way I look and feel. I am strong and feel accomplished.  We are getting more focused time with Sully and getting to enjoy watching him grow because I'm not preoccupied with preparing for another.  Most of the time I'm fine....until I get on Facebook. So today yet another person announced a pregnancy, and it was over for me. I was angry at her- and why? Because I was JEALOUS. And that's enough. Time to get away.

So I deactivated my account. I need a break. I don't need to know everything about everyone.  I will probably reactivate my account on Monday, but I will be using facebook differently, to protect myself.  I plan to unfriend every person that isn't personally VERY close to me emotionally, or a family member.  The only reason I haven't left FB before is that my exercise support group and my food/primal/paleo support group is on facebook. I NEED those groups and the good things they bring to my life. But unfortunately you can't get rid of your main page and stay active in groups.  So I will not remain "friends" with people whom I am only acquainted with.  I will keep those who make me smile on a daily basis and who lift me up.  So don't be hurt if you get cut. I'm only working toward achieving a love for my own life, changing my perspective, adjusting my priorities.  If you are pregnant right now and frequently post on facebook, please don't think that I hate you. I don't. It isn't personal....it's my own lack of adequate coping.  So I will enjoy my family this holiday season and eliminate what brings me down daily.

Randoms

This one is from early October when I went on Mira's field trip with her to Red Barn Farm. Miserable trip, but nice to spend time with her ;)

 B and I went to Philadelphia a couple of weeks ago. Fun to spend time together. We didn't do much and didn't have much time, but we got lots of walking in and really saw the city.

 And some ships.

 And walked to New Jersey! haha

I have been really scared to upload my pictures to this computer. It barely works. Sometimes it starts up, sometimes it randomly turns off completely, it usually freezes after awhile and needs a complete restart....which takes a VERY long time and may, or may not work. So, a lack of pictures......There are lots of pics on the other camera too. Someday I will upload them....

Paleo? Primal? Hmmm.....

So I have these dreams of cooking meals like I grew up with. I’ve mourned it even, decided it would never happen for me, but then I think, his mom does it, so why can’t I? I have decided that my dream is to go Paleo- plus dairy/ Primal, whatever. I have dreams of cooking a roast for dinner and calling it a meal. Cooking a pot full of pork. Cooking a ham. Cooking a casserole full of beef. I’m going to do it. I’m going to love it. I hope it lasts! HA! I will continue to cook the rice/potato/noodle side he craves. I will do that and SHOULD do that for my husband, but I’m going to make MY meal. I’m going to buy quality meat and buy it in bulk. I’m going to cook big slabs of it and love it. I’m going to eat millions of veggies, and try new ones all the time. I’m going to raise my kids to eat food that normal mainstream adults eat and love plus those carby sides, powdered sugar donuts, poptarts, and chips, lol.  

Now, the why's. Why would one want to let go of grains if one wasn’t truly intolerant or allergic to them? Well....the fact is- they don’t make me feel all that good. They make me more hungry in general. They make me feel like a slug. Tired, heavy, slow.  I feel fat and unattractive afterward. I feel overfull and disgusting, but then starving about 2 hours later... So why am I eating them? I don’t know, but I quit! No more corn, no more pasta, no more white potatoes, no more bread. I’m done.

I am a sugar addict. In the worst way. Sugar is a slippery slope for me. I have been slowly weaning myself off of sugar and my dependence on it. Very small amounts of natural sugars are allowed on the diet- so some honey and syrup will be ingested, but small amounts. And I will enjoy things without sugar. Fruit is so amazingly sweet and delicious when you aren’t constantly ingesting sugar filled shit.  This means saying no to artificial sugar too. No splenda, no aspartame, no diet things. Blah. That’s hard, but totally do able. And I’m better for it.  

Dairy- so you can’t be “Paleo” and enjoy dairy. No ice cream? No cheese? No milk? Well, I’m not there yet. This is where the “Primal” diet comes into play! I will commit to paleo meals at least once a day and work on decreasing my dairy intake. I fully expect I will never eliminate all cheese and greek yogurt from my diet. I don’t want to, and I don’t have to. It’s MY diet, right? I want to sit at Sheridan’s and eat custard with my kids and enjoy it. I will. Sometimes.

Beans, peas, legumes? I don’t know yet. You can’t be “Paleo” and eat them. Right now I’m ok without them, except chickpeas. I can’t give them up. Not yet. I love hummus. I eat it at least 3 times a week, and I’m not willing to budge on that just yet.  When my hummus is gone I will explore Paleo hummus made from zucchini and macadamia nuts, but for now, give me my chickpeas and leave me alone. I’m also just not ready to throw out the peanuts. I like peanut butter. Almond butter isn’t the same. I will get some and try to slowly transition, but I don’t have to like it, and I’m getting the roasted salted kind. And I’m still going to get some peanuts at the ballpark. I’m an American after all. 

Though this means I'll be low carbish, I am certainly not embarking on Atkins or any other strict low carb diet. When I want a sweet potato I will eat one. Veggies and nuts have lots of carbs and I will enjoy them ALL.

The real premise of paleo or primal or paleo plus, whatever, is that nothing is bought from the center isles of the grocery except for oils/fats, and spices, and frozen vegetables/fruits. Nothing is eaten from a box or a brightly colored package. You eat fresh or frozen foods, in their natural form. You make all of your own dressings, spreads, dips, etc. Everything you eat is processed only by YOU. Not in a plant somewhere where they add God knows what to it. WHAT COULD BE BAD ABOUT THAT?! 

Is it hard? Yes. It takes planning which I am excited about. I plan to get some new graters, skillets, and pyrex to store and prepare my prepared vegetables in! B and I are going to Philadelphia this coming weekend and I am guessing it will be tough. I will have to be careful with my choices. I have already started planning some foods I can take with me when quality choices are slim. I will take a bag of carrots, a bag of sugar snap peas, maybe some sliced cucumbers, hard boiled eggs, some beef or turkey jerky, almonds or other nuts, dried fruits with no added sugars, whole apples, raisins, peanut or almond butter packets, coconut chips, and celery. I may venture into making sweet potato chips before I go too. We'll see!

So I will keep you updated on my adventure. It will be fun. I have found thus far that paleo food is highly filling and really flavorful. I do so love vegetables paired with a big slab of meat! It’s adventurous. It’s EASY. Cooking meat is much more set it and forget it than any stupid casserole (although I saw a really delicious looking butternut squash lasagna that WILL be tried). I may start posting pictures of my favorite paleo meals. You’ll endure it just like you endure my sister’s weird food. Aren’t we amazingly opposite?!

Some OMG delicious looking Paleo recipe sites I have found.....

http://nomnompaleo.com/recipeindex

http://www.paleotable.com/

http://www.health-bent.com/

http://punchfork.com/paleo

I have also ordered the books Well Fed and Practical Paleo to get started.  Plus, scoured the internet as I most often do.  

Colorado!

We had a great time visiting Mike and Theresa and Delaney this last weekend!!! Got some great family pics too. It snowed on the way there, and the kids loved, but it was still warm enough to be out.  I got in some really good runs too! Gorgeous scenery! 

 Did our annual pumpkin carving!

Lou

Oh my goodness Lou is the sweetest baby kitty ever. We had discussed getting a cat for awhile, but ultimately I had decided that it would be best to wait until after baby was here and things had settled. Well, in light of last week's events, now was the perfect time.

We found him online at wayside waifs and I knew he was the one, but we went to the shelter and played with several kitties. When it came down to it, Lou cuddled right up to all of us right away and was the best with the kids. We had to wait a few days for him to be neutered, so we had plenty of time to get ready for him.

He has been home 3 days now and he seems settled in. He doesn't run away from the kids and their noise now, will hang out wherever we are, is eating good and using his litter, and fitting in well in general! He starts crying if he can't see or hear us. Today he was playing with his mouse and kept hitting it under a bookcase and crying. Just like a kid!

For now he stays in the laundry room at night and when we are gone with some toys, his bed, and his food and litter. He doesn't love it, but he is so little and I still think sometimes he gets lost upstairs if he doesn't have us to lead him out! We love him!!

Might be hard to read, mentions loss

So, I came home tuesday night after work and decided to listen to the baby. I have always had an at home Doppler with all of the kids. This time I really wasn't listening all that often, maybe a couple of times a week. The baby's heart rate was 180-190 (usually rock solid 160) and more difficult to find than normal, but babies are weird and we had reached the stage of my uterus starting to really expand so I figured the baby was getting better at hiding than previous since there was more space. I worked Wednesday and since I had been a little worried the day before I thought, oh I will just reassure myself real quick before bed. Silence. Now this pregnancy i really haven't worried all that much about anything. I have a lot on my plate, been working a ton, and it's been moving by at a rapid pace. I was a little freaked but decided I'd try again in the morning and I actually slept pretty well. Not wanting to freak brooks out, I waited until he left for work thurs morning and tried again. Nothing. Now this baby has been hard to find at times, but I haven't ever NOT been able to find it after searching for awhile. Silence. At this point I know. I know the baby is gone. Most of me cant buy it. Why this far along? This is so rare. Surely not me. But I know. So I call brooks and let him in on my worry and tell him I will call when I know more.

I called dr Morris knowing she isn't in the office on Thursday's and make them page her. I am supposed to be at work by 10 and I don't hear back so I drop off the boys and head in to work. i dont get very far before the scheduler calls and says to go to the ER. I think it's kinda silly cause surely this isn't really happening, but I figure I should, so I start heading that way. Then she calls back and tells me dr m will meet me at the clinic. Ok, that's more like it. She can't find the baby either. I know. She tells me she can make the imaging people see me today, so she calls and makes an appointment for 115. Nearly 3 hours. All I want to do is throw up. I can't really eat, unusual for me, I know. Brooks tells me he will meet me there.

I go home, watch tv, take a long hot shower and the time passes. The lady puts the ultrasound on and I know. The baby is dead. There is this tiny, perfectly formed baby curled up with its hand by its face and it's......still. I honestly can't believe this is happening at this point. I never thought I would be in this position in my wildest dreams.

Dr Malley the radiologist comes in and says he wants to scan me himself. Now this guy has a generally terrible bedside manner. I really have a love hate relationship with him, but this time he is pretty compassionate and I have grown to trust him. He says he sees that the baby's cerebellum (part of the brain) is barely formed if formed at all. Now, I want you to remember what i do for a living.... I take care of all of the babies who are born with missing parts of their brain. That would destroy me. It would destroy our family. And while I am still devastated, I know there was a reason.

I believe that my God takes care of me in ways I do not understand, nor do I have to understand. He knows better than me. But he also knows what I can handle and what I can't. I can't handle finding out at a 20 week ultrasound that my living perfect baby is missing part of his brain and now I have to decide whether or not to terminate it. I can't handle a still birth. I can't handle birthing a perfect baby and finding out later part of its brain is missing. The baby missing its cerebellum really doesn't explain how the heart just suddenly stopped and the baby passed. But i have comfort knowing that my God was protecting me and taking care of me in the way I needed him to.

Friday I had a d&c to end the pregnancy. Honestly the hardest part was waiting for it to be over. Carrying a dead baby is really awful. To still feel your uterus in your abdomen filled up with baby and know it is still is not ok. After the procedure I really feel relief. I am sad. This pregnancy was exactly what we both wanted at exactly the time we wanted it. Perfect. But not his plan for us.

I have told brooks a few times in the last few years that unfelt like a ticking time bomb. We have good jobs, a good marriage, three perfect kids who are healthy and smart, we have wonderful families, I mean really, with all that what could possibly be better? But sometimes it felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know what I am supposed to learn from this.i know I certainly appreciate my life and my family all the more today, but I do know that this whole situation sucks beyond belief way more than I could have dreamed. I have set some goals for the fall. I need to study for my trainer certificate, spend more quality time with the kiddos and really embrace fall. I plan to run a 1/2 marathon in October, and I need to tone back up cause I have a $140 pair of jeans waiting for me! Haha. Maybe God has another baby for us, maybe not. I suppose it's not for me to know right now. But for now, I've got it pretty good. I'm surrounded by some pretty awesome friends and family. We are oh so blessed.