To Covet??

So back a few months ago I was riding my bike with my friend Sue and we were talking about how she didn't have Facebook.  She said she used to have it, but was finding that FB was making her feel inadequate. Like her life wasn't as good as what other people had, like she should have been doing things she wasn't doing, and for her, it just wasn't worth it.  So I won't lie, FB makes me covet. It makes me wish I had things that other people have, and makes being thankful for my own blessings second in line. I've known this for awhile, and for about 6-12 months I have been known to say, "Man, I wish I could get rid of facebook."

The loss of the baby definitely brought it to a head.  I am not kidding when I say that at least three times a week someone new is pregnant on my facebook feed. I AM happy for them. I AM. Everyone deserves to have healthy happy children and have the joys that I have with my three.....but it reminds me CONSTANTLY of our loss. But that's not the kicker. At least as often someone is COMPLAINING about their pregnancy. They feel sick, or they feel tired, or they are craving gross food, or they are uncomfortable, or the baby doesn't let them sleep. What they fail to remember, because of our natural human nature to be self absorbed, is that their babies are ALIVE, and not everyone is so lucky.  And every day when I read these complaints I want to throw things. I am immediately in a bad mood, sad, feel like crying, angry......and what I have found is that it's not worth it.  I don't need to see it.  I am not someone who enjoys pregnancy. It's a means to an end for me and I have been where these people are, experienced the uncomfortable and not so fun parts of pregnancy.....I know how it feels. Like it will never be over, like it's the worst thing on earth, so I can't really be angry at them, can I? I just don't need to see it. Not right now.

Most of the time I feel good. I am in shape, I am a good weight where I feel proud of the way I look and feel. I am strong and feel accomplished.  We are getting more focused time with Sully and getting to enjoy watching him grow because I'm not preoccupied with preparing for another.  Most of the time I'm fine....until I get on Facebook. So today yet another person announced a pregnancy, and it was over for me. I was angry at her- and why? Because I was JEALOUS. And that's enough. Time to get away.

So I deactivated my account. I need a break. I don't need to know everything about everyone.  I will probably reactivate my account on Monday, but I will be using facebook differently, to protect myself.  I plan to unfriend every person that isn't personally VERY close to me emotionally, or a family member.  The only reason I haven't left FB before is that my exercise support group and my food/primal/paleo support group is on facebook. I NEED those groups and the good things they bring to my life. But unfortunately you can't get rid of your main page and stay active in groups.  So I will not remain "friends" with people whom I am only acquainted with.  I will keep those who make me smile on a daily basis and who lift me up.  So don't be hurt if you get cut. I'm only working toward achieving a love for my own life, changing my perspective, adjusting my priorities.  If you are pregnant right now and frequently post on facebook, please don't think that I hate you. I don't. It isn't personal....it's my own lack of adequate coping.  So I will enjoy my family this holiday season and eliminate what brings me down daily.