But there's this one that's really messing with my psyche. For the last 4-8 weeks I have been really struggling to work out in any form. I've been doing the occasional yoga, a class here and there at the gym, and running MAYBE 2 miles at a time on my treadmill, but it's all been very inconsistent and few and far between. For the last 6 years I have logged daily workouts never going more than 3 days max without an intense workout of some sort. I do lots of things- run, bike, swim, crossfit type, beach body, yoga, pilates, whatever floats my boat at the moment. Lately? Working out is the LAST thing on my mind. I've been really struggling with WHY and how to get back my motivation. My weight is under control but I feel my muscle mass dwindling and my tone declining quickly. Also, my workouts have a huge effect on my moods.
Today it was 60 degrees in KC and sunny. All morning I sat and watched tv, read a little, thought about laying down, emptied the dishwasher, and was honestly a little bored. At 1100 I took a library book back to the library and saw people running. RUNNING. Why didn't I think of that? What is wrong with me? Where did the ME inside me go? In the past I would lay the baby down and RACE to do my workout. I would look at the weather forecast and scheme to how I could get outside. The past few weeks my neighbor will text to go to the gym and I come up with excuse after excuse.
So I found a few minutes after my nap and I did go for an outside run. Let me tell you it was ugly. It was slow and painful. And about 1.5 miles in the "outside running headache" hit me and I remembered why I never want to go. For months I have a horrid headache after I run outside. I haven't figured that one out yet- maybe it's because it's so infrequent? But I found that little place of solitude. Out in the fresh air, sun, sweat. Just me and my thoughts. I miss it. You don't get that when you take a class at the gym. That kind of therapy is only found on the run, bike, or swim when you're alone.
I will admit I've tried to get back on the horse and either I or one of my children gets sick and messes it up and then I really struggle to start again. I'm tired- I've been trying to work on my sleep habits, and I've seen a few doctors on my chronic fatigue, but I have determined it's because I work nights, and that's just the way it's going to have to be for awhile. I looked at another job and I was going to loose over $25 an hour. Yes that's for real. Not a joke at all. $40 grand a year less salary. Sorry, but this isn't an option. Not when I actually LIKE my job.
So I'm trying to find her. I'm not sure where she's hiding but I know that the me I'm searching for has to be in there somewhere. I toyed with signing up for a half marathon this spring, but it was $80 and I would have to trade out of my work days to do it. It just seemed like too much work and money. We'll see. I do have plenty of accountability partners that know me well and assure me that it's just a phase, and that my desires will return. We'll see. But for now- I'm feeling a little lost.
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