I know my posts lately have been few and far between. I have noticed that I have been letting less of my thoughts out. I think about things a lot, but I never have the energy to get here and post them. This morning I will let you have a few and hopefully it won't bore you too awful much.
Breastfeeding: Yes, we are still breastfeeding as illustrated by the ticker at the top of the blog...I feel ambivalent about it most days. There is so much of me that's ready to be done, but I know it's really best for him and with winter coming up, will help protect him from illness and comfort him when he does get sick. There really isn't any reason for me to stop. I feel like he and I have a connection that M and I never had. He depends on me more than she did or does. There's comfort in that. Sometimes I feel like I failed M and that our relationship is strained by her independence. I know it's just normal toddler stuff, but it doesn't keep me from wishing she wanted me just a little bit more. The parts I hate are the parts where I have to depend on someone else to watch my patients at work while I find the time to pump, the fact that I haven't worn a bra that fits in over 7 months and I have to wear an XXL shirt to fit my boobs in it, and the part where I can't seem to get in the habit of dieting because I don't want to take away his nutrition or work out too much that it dips my supply. I know I could probably do it and not cause a problem, but I can't get past the thought of it. The part I love so much is when he wakes in the middle of the night (I know, I know) and I pick him up and he snuggles in to eat and throws his arm over me. It's so very very sweet or when M is napping and G and I lay down in my bed and nurse together. So anyway, that's where we are.
I am content. I started realizing this last week sometime. Two weeks ago (almost) I got an IUD (Hopefully not TMI for most of you). It's hard to explain the feeling of freedom I have. It's not that I would be devastated with another baby, someday I do want one or two more, but right now I want to enjoy the two amazing children I have. I am so looking forward to the next year and watching them play and grow together. Every month gets a bit easier (I know it's going to get hard again when he starts walking in the next month...) and more fun to go places with them. Life is good, life is fun. Not to say there aren't down days.
I feel so lucky. I have an awesome family. My husband puts up with all sorts of variations in my mood and attitude and seems to love me in spite of it. I have wonderful in laws that live about 5 minutes away that take my kids on the slightest notice. My mom lives 5 minutes away (although she travels during the week) and is always available by phone for "not-so" important conversations... I was actually thinking about this last week when my mom was on a cruise for two weeks. There were periods she wasn't available by phone and I was seriously bothered by it. I don't usually think of my mom in terms of sappy love, but I really missed her. I take for granted that she'll just be there. My kids are totally amazing. They are smart, happy, and healthy. I'm reminded to be grateful of this every day I work. We have good jobs and plenty of money (although we never seem to feel like it). We can provide for our family and then some. Not everyone can say that...So lucky. I am lucky. There are many other things I am thankful for- the rest of my family, good friends, etc, but I don't want to be too overly long-winded...
My dad is now out of my life for now...it's a pretty long story that I sortof teased you about in one of my posts, but his drinking has reached the point where I don't feel it's in my best interest or the best interest of my children to be involved with him. Who knows what the future holds. I have separated myself emotionally from the situation which is probably why I seem so matter-of-fact about it. There is a lot of relief in not having to think about him. I feel much closer to my extended family- my grandparents and my cousins and I feel like they are suddenly "real" people in my life. Crazy!
I guess that's all the thoughts I have right at this moment. Hopefully you enjoyed them.
6 comments:
Hey there momma,
I am glad you got that out. It is funny sometimes the thoughts you keep in when you are blogging, and you are trying to communicate, but under the surface there is so much going on. I really want to get together before I come back to work. Talk to you later.
Love,
Ryanne
I heard your sister is pretty cool too.
Those were pretty much my thoughts exactly about nursing Anna for a long time. That's great that you have been able to keep at it for so long when it was so tough at first.
Definitely not a boring post. =)
It is amazing that one day we live freely and the next we just kind of grow up. You are taking control of your life and enjoying it. My family consist of 30+ between my aunts, uncles, cousins, neices, nephews, mom, dad, and we all live in Lee's Summit. It is nothing for all of us to go out to eat several times a week together and I realized one day that they are my social life. We do just about everything together. I think it is nice to see your close to your extended family. I don't know what I'd do without them. I even travel 8 times a year for my son's soccer tournaments and my mother hasn't missed very many. I completely understand where your coming from.
As far as breastfeeding, you do what is best for you. I actually breastfed my son for his first 5 months and then I had almost another month saved up. My doctor told me that the antiboties last a while in him after I stop. I think in todays society that any woman who breastfeeds is a great person. You just don't see many mom's doing that anymore. No one can find the time. You have made it a priority for so long. Way to go!!
Take care and enjoy those beautiful babies.
What a great post! You must have been having a pensive day. It made me sad reading about how you feel differently about M and G based on bfeeding or not; I wonder if it has more to do with her personality, though, and perhaps the whole "mommy's boy/daddy's girl" thing? You're right, you are so lucky...your kids are beautiful! :)
What a great post! I am so glad to hear that you are still breast feeding. I breast fed ONLY my last baby who is now 14 months old and I could only do it for 8 weeks until my milk was not enough. SHE IS MY HEALTHIEST child. I am proud of you...keep it up. "G" is so lucky to have you and your supply!
As far as parents, I'm right there with you. I am now a single mother of four kiddo's (ages 13 1/2, 9 1/2, 7 and 14 mo) I am very alone in my responsibilities and and life, but without my parents I would never have survived this heartbreaking life.
Thanks for sharing your story! Be thankful!
Love Always,
Rachel
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